It was about the time a needle full of untested medication was stabbed into my upper left abdomen that I really wondered whether I was making the right decision…

Let’s take a step back.

Some people may wonder how I fund my extravagant lifestyle. Because, I can assure you, it’s not from working in the travel industry. Firstly, it’s because I have no dependents, not even Sea Monkeys – which, I’m informed, are not cute little aqua monkeys who live under the sea in the octopuses garden… no, they’re fucking brine shrimp… not part of the monkey family at all. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE THUMBS!

Secondly, it’s because I drink at home. Not often, and not alone… often. Thirdly, it’s because I balance my love for all things truffle oil with a love for free gym trials and a 4 cents per litre discount off my petrol.

And while all…